Roman Empire Series (Part 1): Horrible Emperors
The Horrible Roman Emperor Awards:
Tiberius was the second Roman emperor. He reigned from 14
until 37CE, succeeding his stepfather, the first Roman emperor Augustus. His
father was the politician Tiberius Claudius Nero, and his mother was Livia
Drusilla, who would eventually divorce his father, and marry the future-emperor
Augustus in 38BCE. Following the untimely deaths of Augustus' two grandsons and
adopted heirs, Gaius and Lucius Caesar, Tiberius was designated Augustus'
successor. Prior to this, Tiberius had proved himself an able diplomat, and one
of the most successful Roman generals.
Tiberius died in 37CE, at 76 years old. He was traveling in southern Italy, trying to get back to Capri, when he succumbed—probably to natural illness, although some later claimed his grandson Caligula had murdered him. The news of his death caused such joy in Rome that people ran around shouting: “Tiberius to the Tiber!”
The "Goodness Gracious":
Hordes of female & male prostitutes and the originators of unnatural intercourse whom he called “squeezers” joined up in threes and took turns debauching themselves in front of him, to arouse his flagging appetite for sex. He decorated his bedrooms with a wide arrangement of paintings and statuettes showing the most risqué scenes and subjects. In addition, he contrived “spots for Venus” throughout the woods and glades and had boys and girls, dressed up as satyrs and nymphs, working as prostitutes in caves and grottoes. People openly referred to it all as “the Old Goat’s Home,” playing on the name of the island. Tiberius acquired greater and more shameful notoriety yet for something that can barely be mentioned or heard mentioned, much less believed. While he swam, he had boys of a tender young age, (he called them “fishies”) swim naked in his pool. They would pass between his thighs and make a game of going after him with licks and bites.
The Bad:
He sentenced to death a soldier of the praetorian guard for stealing a peacock from his garden. Another time, on one of his journeys, the litter on which he was being carried got struck in the briars, and Tiberius threw to the ground the man who scouted the rout, a centurion in the first cohorts, and nearly beat him to death. Later he burst out into every sort of crime, never lacking for an opportunity.
The Funny:
Once he went to Capri and was keeping to himself, a
fisherman unexpectedly brought him a mullet. Terrified, because the man had
snuck up on him from the back of the island on rugged ground that lacked
trails, Tiberius ordered the man’s face rubbed all over by the fish. When,
however, in the middle of being punished, the man said he was glad that he had
not brought a very large lobster that he had caught, Tiberius ordered his face
to be slashed with the lobster also.
Mabey the fisherman should just have kept quiet, but this
story is hilarious in a twisted way.
Nero was born at Antium in 37CE, the son of Gnaeus Domitius
Ahenobarbus and Agrippina the Younger, a great-granddaughter of the emperor
Augustus. When Nero was two years old, his father died. His mother married the
emperor Claudius, who eventually adopted Nero as his heir; when Claudius died
in 54CE, Nero became emperor with the support of the Praetorian Guard and the
Senate. In the early years of his reign Nero was advised and guided by his
mother Agrippina, his tutor Seneca the Younger, and his praetorian prefect
Sextus Afranius Burrus, but he soon sought to rule independently and to rid
himself of restraining influences. His power struggle with his mother was
eventually resolved when he had her murdered. Roman sources also implicate Nero
in the deaths of his wife Claudia Octavia – supposedly so that he could marry
Poppaea Sabina, and of his foster-brother Britannicus. After Nero was declared an enemy of the senate and state he was driven to suicide.
The "Goodness Gracious":
Although Nero went through 3 different wives, apparently even ending up kicking one to death (historical accounts vary), he also married a young boy and a young man, who was a slave that Nero freed.
Pythagoras was the name of the freedman, whom Nero allegedly
married in a public ceremony in which the emperor took the role of bride.
Sporus was a young boy whom Nero allegedly
favored, had castrated, and married. Apparently he was castrated to preserve his
youthful qualities.
Let that insanity sink in for a second....
The Bad:
Historic Accounts have accused Nero of killing his
stepbrother, his one wife and his mother, as well persecuting Christians
(making “human candles” out of them, to light his garden at night”, and
instigating the devastating Great Fire of Rome.
The Funny:
Nero employed his own group of personal “Hand Clappers”. In order to ensure that his poor ego wasn’t hurt, however, Nero pulled together a special squad of 5000 soldiers, called Augustans, whose only job was to clap when Nero’s performances prompted it. These soldiers were also encouraged to get the audience involved in the shouting and applause, as well.
After losing some very valuable objects in a shipwreck, he told his friends, with a straight face, “The fish will bring them back to me.”
Image Credit: Caligula (1979 film)At the very start of his reign, Caligula led a series of
political reforms and even recalled all exiles from outside Rome. But something
shifted in the next few months, which some have attributed to a serious
illness, leading Caligula to become increasingly erratic and deranged.
Immediately following his death, the Roman senate set about destroying Caligula’s statues in the hope that he could be forgotten from history. But their attempt was unsuccessful; he remains today one of the most studied and written about Emperors of all time.
Caligula assassinated by his praetorian guard. https://www.akg-images.co.uk/
Caligula threatened to permanently move away from Rome in favour
of living in Alexandria. Losing their emperor would have thrown the empire into
turmoil. As a result, several prominent senators conspired with the Praetorian
Guard to murder their deranged dictator. While addressing a group of actors in
the corridors beneath the royal palace, guards began repeatedly stabbing him.
Caligula quickly died before his loyal Germanic guards could respond. The
Senate made a failed attempt to use his death as an opportunity to restore the
republic.
The "Goodness Gracious":
Caligula had incestuous relationships with his sisters. He
always showed extravagant affection for his sisters, especially for Drusilla.
On her death in 38CE , she was consecrated Diva Drusilla, the first woman to be
honored so in Rome.
He developed an insanely massive ego. His favorite phrase, which he frequently repeated, was “Remember I have the right to do anything to anybody.” This included adulterous affairs with the wives of his allies and the torment or murder of high-ranking senators who dared to disagree with him. He even turned murder into a sport, attacking people at random, prompting abject fear into everyone around him. Apparently he even had statues beheaded, replacing their heads with his own. He even declared himself as a god.
The Bad:
Described by several historians an insane emperor who was
self-absorbed, short-tempered, killed on a whim, and indulged in too much
spending and sex. He is accused of sleeping with other men's wives and bragging
about it, killing for mere amusement, deliberately wasting money on his bridge,
causing starvation, and wanting a statue of himself in the Temple of Jerusalem
for his worship. Once, at some games at which he was presiding, he was said to
have ordered his guards to throw an entire section of the audience into the
arena during the intermission to be eaten by the wild beasts because there were
no prisoners to be used and he was bored.
The Funny:
It was a capital offence to mention a goat in his presence. He was tall, slim, and pale with sunken eyes and thinning hair. While his head was bald, his body was extremely hairy, and as a result, he was often the subject of jokes. Some compared his appearance to a goat. This had made him conscious of his looks and he ordered men with thicker hair to shave their heads. Mentioning a goat in his presence was made a capital crime by him, punishable by being beaten with an iron stick.
Caligula loved his horse Incitatus so much, he lavished his
fine steed with attention, giving him his own house with a marble stall and an
ivory manger, and even openly expressed his plans to declare his horse a Roman
consulate.
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An equestrian statue of a Julio-Claudian prince, originally
identified as Caligula. ©Trustees of the British Museum: Creative Commons
Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-NC-SA 4.0) license
https://www.amazon.com/Roman-Empire-Short-Introduction-Introductions-ebook/dp/B000SEW24U https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Bad-Emperor-Terrible/dp/B085CMZ9H3
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